Now What ?

One

i got back into town late last night, reluctantly returning to school the night before classes started today; i really don’t feel like being here. At least it’s the last year at State, i really don’t think i ever believed i would get out of here in four _ all my friends seem to be stretching out their college experiences. Somehow i am actually going to make it. But then what? i really can’t say.

This year starts amidst so much strangeness, it’s almost too much to try and explain it all. But if i don’t nothing else will really make sense; there is a definite backdrop upon which this school year will be painted, i feel it already.

When Katy broke up with me last spring it was devastating. i understood her reasons, and some of them were even good ones _ truth be told _ but it still sucked. i spent the end of last semester wallowing, hoping the summer would help me forget and move on _ whatever “moving on” means; how it’s different from denial i don’t know. And a good dose of denial would actually suit me fine right now if i could just get her out of my head.

Anyway, the summer was sheer torture, and in some ways i only have myself to blame. With all of our common friends, i knew i would see Katy some during the summer, but i wound up seeing her way too much. i would be having a decent week not thinking about her, then i would be at Rachel’s house and Katy would show up. To drive the nails in a little further, she oftened talked about the new guy she was seeing _ Todd, or Tim or something. It was infuriating.

Just a couple weeks ago Katy and i had a long talk, late into the night as we sat at the kitchen table at her mom’s house. i’m not really sure why we were talking, nor what it started out as, but we wound up talking about our relationship and the break up. She was doing that thing, that sweet and inviting thing while she simultaneously told me i still had no chance with her. i just sat there, strangely drawn to her and the pain. Somehow i couldn’t pull away and just leave, which i should have done.

Even as i write this i feel angry and frustrated and also so defeated i could just die. i don’t understand what’s going on. The only thing i can say is it’s good that she graduated last spring so i can be here at school without running into her. Maybe i can get some distance, and get a life.